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Falling in love with Fat

Since the beginning of 2021, I decided to get my blood sugar in check and lose weight. 2020 was a crazy year for all of us. To cope with everything happening in the world, I deliberately made poor choices and drank a lot more than my body could handle and used becoming a new mom as an excuse to eat a lot of processed foods and take out. I had done low carb back in 2017 with mild to moderate success but failed to make it a permanent lifestyle. By 2019 I had regained all the weight I lost and knew I had to make some serious changes. But this time, it wasn’t just about me. I needed to do this for my family and for strengthening my immune system.

January 4th, I dusted off my Keto Mojo and tested my blood sugar. 165 mmol it flashed. HOLY SHIT, I’m in trouble. Anything over 125 mmol meant I was diabetic. My husband became very concerned and told me to go to the doctor to get medication and tips to manage it. My naturopath is a nice lady and all, but she and I don’t exactly see eye to eye on fasting and low carb eating. So instead of going to the doctor right away, I asked my husband to give me two months to fix my blood sugar on my own. And if I cannot get it under 100 by the end of February, I’ll go to the doctor. He agreed and we pinky swore to make it official.

Egg fasting – Easy and cheap, but omg I’m still tired of eggs to this day.

The first 10 days I did an egg fast OMAD protocol that I kind of came up with on my own. My egg fast consisted of a minimum of six eggs a day, up to four ounces of cheese a day, and a tablespoon of butter for every two eggs. No low carb sweetners. Coffee and tea is ok but no cream. First, I knew that eating multiple meals a day would spike my insulin, and I knew I had to eat a lot of fat to keep insulin spikes low. Jason Fung’s Obesity Code book helped me to understand the role insulin plays in fat storage and release. I knew that if I wanted to see my sugar levels drop dramatically, I had to make a huge change quickly.

This book probably saved my life, Thank you, Dr. Fung!

The next thing I had to learn about was fat. Keto rules say you have to eat fat to lose fat. However, it’s not clear what kinds of fats to eat and what to avoid. That’s where I made my mistake the first time. Through doctors like Dr. Ken Barry, Dr. Mendy Pelz, Dr. Saladino, and Ginger Keto UK, I started learning about the difference between fats with stearic acid and palmitic acid present vs. poly unsaturated fatty acid (PUFA) – or seed/veggie oils. What I learned was that our bodies do not recognize PUFAs when consumed and create a highly inflammatory environment within the body. And literally all processed foods and restaurant foods are swimming in this stuff. Mix PUFAs with carbs and sugar, and you got a problem, Houston! When I first did low carb keto four years ago, I didn’t understand the differences in fats so I ate regular mayo like it was going out of business and still cooked with whatever oils in the house without regard to consequences. Fat experts say that it doesn’t matter what diet you choose to follow, if you cut out PUFAs, you are on your way to health and lower inflammation.

Although I don’t see any new studies, I want to believe from anecdotal evidence that healthy-sourced fats is important for hormone expression. In the carnivore groups, there are many testimonials of people’s skin issues disappearing after switching from the standard American diet. Acne – gone. Rashes – gone. Eczema – in remission. I think a lot of it comes from their fat sources changing from seed to animal fat and eliminating all processed foods in general. But it’s something interesting! A while ago I had my thyroid tested and it was in the low but normal range. Nothing that my doctor was alarmed about, but she did recommend monitoring it and incorporating more sea vegetables. She also noted that my body temperature was generally lower than most hovering in the high 96 to low 97.3. A healthy metabolism shows body temperature at least 98. I do eat a lot of seaweed and take a sea moss powder, but I don’t think I felt less fatigued until I started eating stearic acid fats. According to Brad Marshall from Fire in a Bottle and Dr. Saladino, even bacon and chicken fat isn’t that good (due to their mostly grain-fed diet) and I would feel a bit tired afterward. I do feel a warm sensation when I’m consuming stearic acid fat sources which gives me hope that my body is using it to rev up fat burning in general. I am going to keep monitoring myself and hope to visit the doctor for blood work end of the summer to see my progress. Am I worried about high cholesterol? A little bit, but if all my other health markers are good when I check, I’m not going to be concerned.

Rethinking and relearning starts in the mind

Mindset is playing a huge part in reaching my blood sugar goals. I had to stop villainizing fat and start consuming more healthy fat. Beef tallow from grass-fed beef, grass fed butter, ghee, and cocoa butter. Fat is my friend! I love you, healthy fat! I use avocado oil, coconut oil and olive oil sparingly. To this day, it still feels so counterintuitive to everything I learned from magazines and online articles on what is healthy and how to lose weight. However, something is working for me. I feel more energized and I’m at the lowest weight since the last time I did low carb and keto four years ago (which took me longer to get to than this time around) and I’m able to hike with my family without any hip or knee pain. A non-scale victory: being able to feel my sternum without a layer of fat on it. It scared me at first because it’s been decades since I’ve felt it.

This time I took electrolytes more seriously

Don’t be like me and not see the importance of electrolytes. The first time I did low carb/keto, I severely neglected the importance of electrolytes. This explained my drained energy and lethargy after many months of low carb keto. I thought I was salting my food enough. NOPE! Not even close. What made me realize how important it was when I realized those saline bags at the hospital they give you is literally just electrolytes. No matter what, having balanced electrolytes helps many things including overall well-being and mood. Also electrolytes basically give your body the most essential minerals to function. And to get the most out of your minerals, you need good healthy fats to process it into your cells.

A tricky question with no right answer that fits all

So how much stearic acid or palmitic acid fats should one consume? I think it depends on your goals and your concerns for other health markers like cholesterol, insuline, etc. For me, I’m still in the experimental phase, and my eating window is temporarily much wider than the past few months. Ginger Keto UK did an experiment and ate a huge tub of double cream for 7 days (about 3,000 a day) and actually lost weight to prove to herself that stearic acid and palmitic acid fats do not increase weight. Brad Marshall is the founder of the croissant diet who experimented with stearic acid and carbs and wine and found himself losing weight as well. I’m a little more wary of his diet only because I know what higher carbs and alcohol does to me. It makes me want to eat more refined carbs and sugar and I have to do everything in my power not to fall off the wagon. It’s hard though. In fact, I’ve been trying to get back to OMAD or one meal a day for the last two weeks without success due to letting myself eat a croissant on Mother’s Day. See? A slippery slope with an uphill climb.

So…you want to know did I get my blood sugar back to normal ranges, right?

The short answer, yes! I did within 2 months my fasting blood sugar was just under 100 mmols. Over 3-4 months it dropped in the mid 80s low 90s where it’s been at from March until April. With my croissant carb treat and eating more frequent meals (even if lower carb), I am noticing my numbers are in the high 90s right now. For me, this isn’t good enough. I really want to get my blood sugar in the low to mid 80s on a regular consistent basis. Healthy normal blood sugar is my promised land. What I realize is that, yes, I can control my blood sugar and insulin but what works for me right now is one meal a day, low carb, high fat, and sleeping well. Anytime I’m off on my sleep, it doesn’t matter if I stayed low carb or ate one meal that day, my cortisol and insulin was working hard for no reason.

Does that mean I have to be OMAD and low carb for the rest of my life? Maybe, but there is hope to further repair and heal and it may take longer than normal. Metabolic flexibility is what everyone should aspire to. I realize my journey to metabolic flexibility where some days I could have fruit (that isn’t a berry) is not going to happen until much later in the future. Today on Instagram I saw a post that said 88% of all Americans have some form of metabolic syndrome or have insulin resistance. That’s 7 out of 8 people. Only 12% are metabolically healthy. I want to be part of the 12%! Dr. Ekberg and Dr. Berg (the double Bergs I like to call them) discuss how long it could take to fix insulin resistance. The answer is not linear. It could take months or it could take several years depending on how long you’ve been insulin resistant and how strict you adhere to your new lifestyle and test your resistance to certain foods.

Key Takeaways

Test your fasting blood sugar and post-eating blood sugar after an hour of consumption. Get a good baseline of where your blood sugar levels are at. If you are insulin resistant (90+ mmol) then incorporate a diet lower in carbs and sugar and increase good fats.
If you want to take it a step further, do a full blood panel. Check your A1C, thyroid, iron, vitamin D, etc. Again, the idea is to understand where is your square one is.
Experiment and try different things. I am learn from my mistakes and watch many videos on YouTube from others who are on a similar journey discussing mistakes they’ve made along the way. There’s still a lot of unlearning for me to do, but I am feeling more confident in listening to what works for me.
Are you vegan or vegetarian? Don’t worry, coconut oil and cocoa butter has a lot of stearic and palmitic acid in it. Also if you can stomach butter, ghee, and high fat dairy, then try to incorporate more into your diet without fear. Stearic acid is truly amazing stuff!
If you have never skipped a meal, then just cut out snacking for a few weeks before limiting your eating window. Play around with meal timing and keep your body guessing.
Get moving but don’t overdo it. Honestly, the only kind of exercise I do is walking the kid in the stroller for 45 minutes or more 5 days a week with two days of resistance training 10-20 minutes at a time. The last time I lost weight, I always went hard HIIT, Tabata, whatever to feel the burn and sweat like crazy. What I realized now is that I was overstressing my body when I should only be applying acute stress.
Know the difference between chronic and acute stress. Chronic stress is the silent killer that keeps you up at night and messes with your hormones. Acute stress is small bumps of stress that doesn’t last very long. That’s actually a good kind of stress. Things like exercise, fasting, and weight lifting are examples of acute stress. If you do too much then it becomes chronic and detrimental to your health.
Find your balance. What works for you and what you need today right now may change in the future so enjoy the journey.

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WHY POLYESTHER?

Because the math makes sense

At least that’s what I tell myself

The only constant in my life is shape-shifting.
— Emilie Wapnick, founder of Puttylike who introduced the term multi-potentialite and something inside of me clicked.

POLYESTHER is a word play on ‘polymath’ and my first name. By definition, a polymath describes a person who has expertise in a large number of different subjects, but more importantly, they are able to draw on this knowledge to solve problems. By naming my blog this, it allows me to freely explore many topics and ideas that could be tied together.

Polymath + Esther = POLYESTHER

That adds up, right? To me it does.

In a world where people pay a lot of money to be highly specialized and skilled in one craft, I never quite fit the mold. Routines and repetitive predictable tasks bore me to tears. The way my brain processed the same projects as my colleagues were vastly different. For a while I thought, “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why can’t they see it like I do?” The hardest part was trying to explain how and why I came up with these ideas or processes in a way that made sense to everyone.

In the workplace, I found myself thriving in roles that gave me room to grow, exercise ideas into fruition, and allowed me try new tasks with room to fail and be ok. This set me up to be a direct measurable impact player. I like to compare my sweet spot in the workplace to the 6th man on a basketball team. Lots of versatility and capable of filling in wherever needed. If there were no opportunities to implement new processes or try new things, I rarely stuck around very long. The result? A resume without the right title to accurately describe the evolving roles and tasks I was assigned to.

And when it came to hobbies, I picked up whatever sang to my soul in that moment. Cooking, exercise, sewing, making jewelry, costuming, music, painting shoes, karaoke, learning a new language, the list goes on and the supplies pile high in the basement. I rarely stick with one hobby long enough and tend to bounce around between different hands-on projects. However, I learn a lot and am able to incorporate my hobby experiences to help me tackle the next thing that’s captured my interest.

So why should you follow POLYESTHER?

I know how annoying it is when a person you watch on Youtube for makeup ideas films something else for a change.

When Kanye complains that he can’t break out of the mold of being just a music producer and explore other artistic avenues.

When the greatest basketball player of all time, Michael Jordon, tried to play baseball and barely made the minor leagues, we all were like, “Dude, wtf? Get back to hoops!”

But hear me out: We’re human. We get bored of the same old thing over and over again. I read a quote that one of the keys to a happy marriage was allowing your partner to evolve and change over time. A man mentioned he fell in love with the women his wife evolved into EIGHT times! Imagine how many times you could fall in love with yourself if you are open to evolving? It’s exciting stuff!

I’ve been fighting to conform for so long so its time to document my journey into leaning into these shape-shifting characteristics and see what comes out of it. These are my thoughts, my learning moment, my pictures, my successes, and my failures. And it will change over time.

If you love the idea and are on your own journey, I invite you to subscribe and share your stories and ideas with me as well. It’s going to be fun and not boring. That I promise you.

The law of divine oneness and the harsh reality of it

Hello there!

It’s been a while since I’ve typed anything. To be honest it’s been really hard to formulate my thoughts into something that made sense about something I’ve been studying – The divine laws of the universe. I was introduced to the law of attraction by a women name Jade I met at an airbnb in Medellin, Colombia eight years ago. On the trip, I read The Secret at least two times. Like most people, the idea was interesting, but it didn’t seem very realistic. And if things didn’t manifest the way I was hoping, the answer would always be a combination of these answers:

“You didn’t do it right” or “You didn’t want it as much as you think did.”

These past two months, I finally learned that the law of attraction is just one of many universal laws that work in conjunction with each other. No law is greater than other. They are all one. They all work together as one. My past mistake was ignoring all the other laws and just trying to use LOA to get what I want – which didn’t quite work. Sure I read the list, but no dive deep or attention was given. I decided I needed to change that.

The Divine Law of Oneness

Simply put, it means we are all connected. “Everything that exists, seen or unseen is connected. Together, we are one. We are divinely inseparable. There is great power, or combined energy, in our collective mind.”

Learning this made me understand that I am the best of humanity but I’m also the worst of humanity. I am also in between. There is no division. Even if on the outside I look very different from my neighbors and think very differently from my own family, they are me and I am them.

Then the harsh reality set in.

That homeless camp under the freeway ramp is part of me.

This women, who has different views than me, is part of me and I of her.

I’m a part of BTS and vice versa. Pretty cool in my book.

And I’m also part of my favorite football team.

All of this is part of me, too. And it’s a part of you as well.

It seems like now than ever there are so many divisions in society. Whether its race, gender, age, class, and others, it’s hard to relook at the world through the lens of “oneness.” In a time where compassion fatigue is a real thing, it feels like a very tough test. A test that I’ve failed, but now I’m aware. I see myself in others and others in me. The same resources on earth is a part of all of us and cannot be hoarded by one person or one entity …for long.

I’ll end this with a quick story. In early August, my family went camping with some friends of ours at Long Beach, WA. We stayed at the RV park with direct access to the beach. To get to the beach you had to walk on a long path through the grassy dune. When my friend walked back by herself, she came back tell us how lonely it felt to be by herself. When I walked back to go to the restroom on my own, I walked the same path and thought, “oh wow, this is really far,” but I didn’t feel alone. The trees and the grass were welcoming and happy that I knew we are all one. What a strange but comforting moment! My next move is to balance my understanding of oneness and be mindful of passing judgement onto others when it really is just a reflection of me. Wish me luck because this ain’t easy!

Animosity – Letting it go

My youth group from a different lifetime

My parents are at that age where they are seeing their friends and acquaintances of more than 30+ years pass away. Every call and update includes someone I used to know from church in the hospital or they have passed away. However, their two most recent acquaintances who passed away hit different for me.

One was a woman who was known to be the loudest women in church. She sang loud, she spoke loud, and she was not afraid to tell anyone how she felt about anything. She was brash and unapologetic. Truly fearless. In hindsight, I admire her strength to hold her own in a very conservative church. But growing up with her as one of my parent’s acquaintances, I was legit scared of her, and later down the road, I grew to resent how she treated my mom. When my sister was the youth group assistant, this woman’s son stupidly climbed on the back bumper of my sister’s car during a camping trip. My sister took a sharp turn around a corner and he flew off and hit a tree. HARD. So hard that he was airlifted to the hospital. This woman’s family accused my sister of knowingly letting this kid jump on the back of the car and drove fast on purpose. “You are so lucky we are Christians or else we would sue you for everything you have.” These words cut me to the core when my mom updated me with everything that happened. Why would these people say this? After this incident, my sister had to do an apology in front of the church and later resigned from her role.

My parents, on the other hand, were hurt by what was said. But they forgave them and still went to church with them. And they kept worshiping with them until this women’s family (which was like 40 people deep in a 130 person church) decided switch to a different church.

But it wasn’t just this incident. There were more things throughout the years that this woman did to my folks that was petty. I found myself deeply resenting her and her entire family. I couldn’t understand why in the world my parents take the high road and forgive and forget time and time again. Recently, this women had very bad health issues. My parents were in the hospital last Sunday to visit her and on Monday she passed. My dad sent a photo of her and her husband to me. I stared at it closely.

I wasn’t really looking at the picture to examine the women and her husband. I stared at it and examined how my dad took the picture. He perfectly framed them with the husband holding his 40 year anniversary balloons next to her bed. It was in that moment that I was reminded of how resilient my parents are. How their hearts were so big and forgiving and loving. Showering them with prayers and love in her final days. Even with all the pettiness throughout the years, my parents moved on and forgot everything. Nothing matters when you are faced with mortality.

And then I realized I was the one who was holding on to animosity. I was the one who hasn’t forgiven. Even of the news of her death, I am recalling all the things this woman and her family put my family through. There were a few good memories here and there – like her husband always crossdressing for the Vietnamese new year celebration at church. Their family always made awesome food at the potlucks. We took a few trips with them to Florida and Hawaii to go to church conferences.

Right now I just want to take a moment to think of her and thank her for being in my life and for teaching me some valuable lessons through observing my parent’s interaction with her family. There’s really no point of holding this anger that’s well over 20 years old. I wish her and her family well and let go of it all. Well…it’s not that simple. As more memories bubble up, I am actively moving that energy out of my space and stamping it with forgiveness and neutral energy.

My sister called me later this evening to talk about her car. In conversation she let me know that one of my old former friend’s dad had passed away earlier this month and my parents had gone to this man’s funeral and talked to my old friend. Apparently she has a lot of kids. It was sad to hear of her dad’s passing. I was surprised my parents didn’t tell me about this one. I used to spend a lot of time at her house and speak to her dad who was an intimidating but really funny. My vietnamese was bad and his english was bad but somehow we were able to talk a bit. It’s been a REALLY long time since I had spoken to my former friend. But this time I was the asshole who was jealous of her pharmacy school friends. I remember our last conversation was in the car as I was driving home from work promising we would call and hang out. That never happened. Our lives were moving in different directions. She became a successful pharmacist and married her highschool sweetheart who is also a pharmacist. Me? I found different interests and friends who matched where I was at in my life. And that’s how life goes sometimes. I do remember her dad coming up to me when I was visiting my parent’s church and asking me to connect with his daughter. I lied and said I would but never did. Unfortunately, the time to reconnect and be friends had passed. It would never happen. Today I really thought about reaching out and sharing my condolences but realized there’s no point. My parents had already done it. Again, I see my parents being that loving light to my former friend’s family. In weird a way, I am totally ashamed I let my pride and ego get the best of me and ruined a friendship. However, we both had different paths to take and the writing was on the wall. It’s even weirder to write about something that happened so long ago and never had the words to acknowledge where I was at in life. Unlike the woman who passed, I don’t hold any animosity at all towards the man and my former friend. I’m the one who is holding animosity towards myself. Never is it easy to remember your own shitty behavior and sit with it. But I am doing that right now.

I want to take a moment out to remember this man and thank him for being kind to me and my folks. Thank you for teaching me important lessons through observing my parents and for making me laugh with your broken but very enthusiastic english. Sometimes news about regular people in and out of our lives provide the best opportunity to heal and move forward. And with that said, I’m exhausted! Phew!

What #forcethevote really exposes for all to see

It’s nearly the end of 2020. A year that’s been described as a shadow year or purgatory. All the pleasures of traveling and connecting with people near and far were completely shut down around the world. We sat by watching our friends and family in the medical field burn out from overworking. We watched our local neighborhoods change as small businesses shuttered all around us. People lost jobs. Jobs tied to their healthcare. Jobs tied to their livelihood, their dreams, and their dignity. We saw a $1200 check in March go out to the American people along with extended unemployment benefits that lasted until August. There were some relief for small businesses but it was insufficient. That is all the government has done for the working people of this country.

In the backdrop of a continued pandemic, a big fight rages online but nobody in the mainstream media is covering it. You can find the fight online on Twitter and Youtube. A few independent journalists are covering it, but the majority of Americans are in the dark. I think everyone should know about this. Why? Because it exposes a fundamental problem. Overall, there’s a distorted breakdown between popular policies the American people support and what their representatives actually choose to vote for in congress. So who’s fighting and why should we learn about #forcethevote? I’ll break it down the best way I can according to information I can find while I write this.

The Plot

With the November election over in 2020, Democratic control of the house has slimmed to a tiny margin. Democrats barely hold onto majority power in the house. Meanwhile, Progressive seats expand – the squad is growing. If banded together, this voting block has potential disruptive power to force votes and policies that align with their constituents. But will they do it? The plot thickens.

The Characters

Nancy Pelosi – Current speaker of the house, 30-year+ congresswoman CA.

Once again, Nancy is nominated for speaker of the house. With the slim majority, Nancy Pelosi must make every vote for her count. She cannot afford to lose any votes to keep her power. Especially with Republicans and Progressives gaining seats this past election.

Jimmy Dore – YouTube comedian and political commentator.

Jimmy Dore, who’s brashness is compared to the drunk uncle that stirs the pot at family gatherings, comes up with the idea to encourage folks to reach out to the progressive wing of the democratic party to withhold their vote for Nancy Pelosi in exchange for a floor vote for Medicare for all #M4A. There is no better time to get a floor vote to provide healthcare to the millions of people who lost it during pandemic. The time is now to create real pressure from a new voting block that can have tea party-like influence and move the entire Democratic party left. All of this was done via Twitter. Although Jimmy can get passionately heated and go on wild long-winded rants, nobody presents Twitter posts in their segments like he does. He’s brilliant with finding and promoting various tweets and news articles from journalists and regular folks that supports the issues he spotlights. With his genius Twitter talent, he was able to start a conversation which blew up into the ongoing fight we see today.

Justin Jackson – Running back for the NFL Chargers and activist.

Contrary to what you might believe, Jimmy was not the first person of influence who went after the squad or other progressive directly with #forcethevote. Justin Jackson took what Jimmy said and directly tweeted at Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, to endorse #forcethevote.

The words “Power concedes nothing without a demand” got many twitter followers thinking, “Hey, what ARE these Progressives really doing for me? Are they just a bunch of actors with a story I like better than others or will they actually do something for the American people?” The lens of scrutiny lands on all of the self-proclaimed progressives.

What #forcethevote does is gets every house rep in congress on the record to see if they truly believe in medicare for all or if it’s just talk by forcing everyone to vote. Some argue it’s just an acting job and the vote means nothing and is a waste of time, while other progressives say it will create a list of congressmen and women to primary in 2022. Their goal is to sniff out every person who doesn’t want medicare for all.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) – 2nd term congresswomen NY.

AOC responds to Justin Jackson in a series of tweets as to why #forcethevote is the wrong thing to advocate for right now with the following points made:

Conversations are being made behind closed doors to negotiate for more pressing progressive policies like raising the minimum wage, etc.
Progressives getting on house committees to steer written policies is time better served.
This is not the right time to discuss Medicare for all or single payer healthcare.
There are rules and processes that must be followed in order to be heard.
There’s already a list of 100+ reps who support medicare for all. No need for a floor vote that everyone knows will not pass.

This is where things start to blow up. Twitter followers and independent progressive media start taking sides and breaking down every point made by AOC. Some agree with AOC (including The Young Turks’s Cenk Uygur and Ana Kasparian) while other independent media figures sided with Jimmy Dore (including Secular Talk’s Kyle Kulinski, The Hill Rising’s Krystal Ball, etc). The in-fighting between progressive media figures continues today. Jimmy fights with Cenk and Ana. He fights with Tim Black who was against the idea, but then came around in support for #forcethevote. Sam Seder, who famously despises Jimmy Dore with a passion, actually agrees with #forcethevote. And Jimmy is on Twitter riling everyone up and responding to all comments at him in his crazy truth-bombing style that both inspires and irks followers alike.

In response to his critics stating he needs to create a movement and organize around it, Jimmy and Justin launches http://www.forcethevote.org – a petition to pressure existing and incoming progressives to endorse #forcethevote. There are 15 progressives who ran on Medicare for All being called out:

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
Rep. Ayanna Pressley
Rep. Barbara Lee
Rep. Chuy Garcia
Rep. Cori Bush
Rep. Ilhan Omar
Rep. Jamaal Bowman
Rep. Jamie Raskin
Rep. Katie Porter
Rep. Marie Newman
Rep. Mark Pocan
Rep. Pramila Jayapal
Rep. Rashida Tlaib
Rep. Raúl Grijalva
Rep. Ro Khanna

I’m not going to post individual images of each of these folks but you can see them on top of this blog. Each of these folks ran and won their seats promising to bring Medicare for All to a vote while running for office. After winning their seats, we’ve seen one bill from Rep. Pramila Jayapal written but not voted on. She was one of current two reps who said anything about Medicare for All in the recent weeks since the fighting began.

The second one was Ihan Omar.

Although they did not signal their intent to endorse #forcethevote, they did give Twitter followers a hint that they know what is being asked of them.

In an interview on CNN, a reporter asked incoming reps Cori Bush and Jamaal Bowman if they would vote for Nancy Pelosi for speakership, and though they did not say they endorse #forcethevote, their answers weren’t what the reporter wanted.

This CNN interview was probably the closest #forcethevote conversation the mainstream media covered so far. When you research #forcethevote on social media, you can find live town halls for #forcethevote being done by Jimmy Dore and growing endorsements picking up steam. Of course, Jimmy can’t help his smart mouth and had to say something.

In addition to online organizing, 2021 will include #forcethevote protests in DC the beginning of January by Briana Joy Gray who is former Bernie campaign manager, Nick Brana from the People’s Party and more.

Ok! Now that I’ve given you the gist of everything I know about the movement so far, this is what I see #forcethevote exposes.

We need to close the gap between what the people want and what their reps are actually doing in congress. Medicare for All, single-payer healthcare -whatever you want to call it- has a 80% favorability among democrats and a 55% conservatives. It’s been popular for more than 50 years. And yet we still cannot pass anything comprehensive to cover every citizen in America. As someone from the market research and polling industry, nothing annoys me more when we see survey after survey stating this obvious fact and very few reps actually fighting for it on behalf of their constituents.

Although the criticism towards the progressive wing is harsh on both ends, I do think they need to follow through with their word and stay accountable. Anyone who is a public servant should be held accountable by their constituents. Unfortunately, we see it over and over again – give them a little power and all of a sudden they forget why people voted for them in the first place and suddenly we are being given empty platitudes and gestures that do nothing. The only thing they are willing to budge on is polarizing identity politics – which is important but is mostly handled in the courts. Hillary Clinton wanted Single payer health care when she was first lady. Nancy Pelosi ran on single payer in the 90s. Countless others have promised the same. When they get to DC, their tune changes. This is where people get frustrated and numb to politics. This is when they stop caring. And this is where monied interests swoop in to captivate the reps.

Things that can close the gap:

Term limits – yes I said it. We need to enforce term limits for every house and senate seat being voted on by the people.
Age limits – Have you seen how old our congress is? We literally have reps with Alzheimer’s disease deciding on the fate of our nation when they should be retired. I don’t know about you but that’s terrifying. Can someone tell Diane Feinstein to retire already?
Rank-choice voting – creating a way for additional parties to rise and offer better than less-of-two-evil choices for the people to consider.
Remove super pacs and pac money from politics – To even out the playing field, we have to get money out of politics. Easier said than done. Money is so alluring. And so is power. However, there is no way we can make fundamental changes without removing temptations.

2. In-fighting among progressives will never result in significant forward progress. First of all, I refuse to put a label on my political affiliations – I consider myself a homeless political junkie that seeks out news that is unbiased and critical of both parties equally. I prefer policy over personality and people over corporate interests. With that said, I believe the establishment, corporations, wealthy elites and their mainstream controlled media count on and expect populist media and progressive journalists to eat their own tail before being able to properly organize. #forcethevote is an important discussion to have, however, the many degrees of beliefs makes it extremely tough for working people to come together on a single issue and demand. Highlighting the word “significant” in my statement above, I will say there will be progress on some issues.However, it will be small and incremental. It will be as pitiful as seeing Senator Hawley and Sander fight for $600 when clearly the people of America need more. “At least they are doing something…” Who else is tired of hearing that line?

3. That whole thing about pushing democrats left once they are in office – yeah well, that’s not gonna happen …unless real pressure is applied. I cannot tell you how many times I saw and heard people, including Bernie Sanders, say they will push Biden left once we get rid of Trump. The guy isn’t even out of office and already we see cabinet picks and quotes already giving us an idea that this incoming administration is interested in going back to their Obama days. Once again, we see Wall Street and military industry execs at the helm of the administration’s policies. No progressives in sight at all. #forcethevote was the first true test to see if pushing left was possible. So far, the results aren’t looking good. People need to know about this. They need to be aware of a movement pushing populist ideas getting squashed quickly among those we believed were for the people. This is why protests will continue into next year. What happened to #defundthepolice after Obama poo’d on the slogan branding issue? Did policies to close private prisons, remove bloated funding, and reform police regulations make it into the administration’s agenda? We were told something did, but what exactly is to be seen. I don’t have my hopes up. Quite frankly, nobody else should either. Accountability includes organizing protests and creating awareness.

4. Mainstream media’s (MSM) radio silence on populist policies and movements will spawn more divisions among Americans – which is what they want to do. It’s all about divide and conquering of the people: the 99%. The more MSM refuse to discuss real policies that affect the working class, the more disenfranchised and radicalized people will become. And not just on the right but on all sides. We cling onto identity politics being discussed in the news but won’t advocate for policies that help both sides. It’s way too easy to stay in our echo chambers and surround ourselves with like-minded folks who don’t challenge our way of thinking. Encouraged by algorithms and censorship on social media platforms. And then they wonder what caused this. Take a look in the mirror!

To combat this, it’s on us, the people, to step out and be open to reading and connecting with people from different walks of life. Much harder to do during a pandemic, but it’s something I’ve been trying to do myself. It’s hard though. In 2016, I was at an HVAC conference for work and Carl Rove, the-war former White House deputy Chief of staff for Bush, was the headliner. He made fun of populist ideas and touted unregulated capitalism as the way to make America great and prosperous. By the end of his speech, I decided I was done being open minded for the year. It was December at the time so there was three weeks to rest until the new year.

5. Every house district and state senator should answer to an unbiased district-ran committee who surveys their constituents regularly to score how aligned their voting and policy record is with the people they represent. Much like an employee review, people need to see as plain as day how their rep spends their time in DC. Afterall, this is our tax dollars paying their salary. If they do not meet the minimum benchmarks set by their constituents, they would be asked to speak at a town hall to answer why they are performing poorly and should create a new agenda and task that will be used for measuring accountability. Sounds rough? Well, in corporate America this is done all the time with employee assessments and reviews. It’s important that both sides have anecdotal and quantitative data to make necessary changes and to be able to track changes over their term.

6. #forcethevote is just the beginning of pushing left. More is on the way. With more young folks leaning towards populist ideas and demanding change, I can easily predict that #forcethevote is a ramp up for more movements. 2020 was the year we saw young folks rise to protest #BLM movements, #defundthepolice, as well as campaigns for #cancelstudentdebt. Civil unrest will no longer just be about identity. It’s about financial and social equality from the bottom up. As Samuel L. Jackson said in Jurassic Park, “Hold on to your butt cheeks.” Are you ready for 2021?

I used to hate Christmas, but something changed

I was in first grade when someone told me Santa wasn’t real. I refused to believe them. For the next year, I held on to my desire for Santa – this old magical man driven by reindeer with a sleigh full of toys – to be real. He had to be. I wanted him to be more real than my imaginary friends who played with me in my backyard. Deep down inside, I knew believing was silly, but I still wanted to do it because life seemed more fun with magic in it.

Growing up, my family attended a Vietnamese church even though we are Jarai. The family is from Vietnam, but our features are darker and flatter in the nose, and the village had their own language. When I was seven, none of the boys in Sunday school were taller than the girl who played Mary so they forced me to play Joseph. My sister played a sheep. I wanted to be an angel and begged to have my role changed. At home, I expressed my anger but my parents told me I had no choice but to do it. I don’t remember much about the play itself other than my sister being a noisy sheep “baaaa”ing through her scenes. When it ended, I was eager to take off my costume and wash off the mustache and beard someone drew on my face with a black eye pencil. My mom gave me a very frilly dress to wear after the program for the church’s Christmas potluck.

The next year at church, all the girls in Sunday school were required to recite a few verses from memory about the birth of Jesus. I was to go first. There were four verses to say in front of the church into a microphone – in Vietnamese. When I heard my voice echoing against the walls of the church I froze. We never practiced with a mic so it totally caught me off guard. I completely forgot my lines. My teacher had to feed me my verses and I stumbled my way through it like a blind mouse in a maze. When I finally finished, I let out a huge sigh of relief into the microphone. The church laughed. I went home in tears that night completely mortified and embarrassed.

Each Christmas it was one thing after another that I had to do for the church Christmas program. Play piano and multiple instruments, hours of choir practice, dances, working with little kids, making costumes, and more. Each year I felt more stressed and annoyed with the amount of time and energy put into something I really didn’t want to do. When I was 18, I had an anxiety attack in the church coat closet thirty minutes prior to the church program. My dad grabbed me out of the closet and told me I had to get through it or else I’d be in trouble when we got home. I dried my tears and went up and played the piano, sang the songs, but there was no joy in my music that day. I was empty and depressed. Probably my worst Christmas memory.

Not all activities at the church during the holidays were bad. Some of the songs were beautiful. I will admit I did enjoy singing in a small groups, duets, and performing a solo here and there. When I was doing something I actually liked, I felt a lot better. However, for the few things I enjoyed, there were many things I didn’t like to do but had to participate in. My schedule was jammed packed with practice at home and at the church. In addition to all this practicing, my parents would attend other church Christmas programs, or we would perform at other programs besides our own. It was a lot of work and I dreaded the holidays. I never got any extra gifts or any praise for busting tail every Christmas. It was what we were called to do to gain favor and gifts in heaven. When holiday music and decorations at the store went up in the fall, I would start dreading the busy season awaiting the family. “This again?”

Outside of church, we didn’t really many festive activities except visit a few neighborhoods with decorated holiday lights. We didn’t grow up with many relatives around so it was just the four of us every year doing the same church thing and having Christmas dinners at a church. The time we opened gifts was contingent on what time we needed to get ready for the Christmas program we were performing in or attend as guests. There was nothing relaxing about the holidays. I hated it. I hated Christmas.

Strangely, I woke up today and realized I no longer despised Christmas. Hearing holiday songs didn’t send me into a tailspin of dread. It’s more enjoyable and less stressful these days with an emphasis of family and fun. Although I enjoy Christmas programs and appreciate all the hard work that goes into them, I realized participating in them is no longer something I wish to be a part of. Instead, I created my own traditions with the family which includes picking a tree from a u-cut farm, decorating it to the 17 minute version of “In a gadda da vida” by Iron Maiden, and celebrating some polish traditions with our sister-in-law. Maybe there’s a little bit of stress trying to figure out gifts and decorating the house (minimally), but it’s nothing compared to my past.

What I realized is that I had to rewrite my past trauma and appreciate the lessons I learned from it which was:

Don’t create more stress than you want in your life.
If your kids are upset, LISTEN to them. Advocate for them first. Try to come up with a fair compromise to get through tough things they don’t want to do. And acknowledge and celebrate their acts of resilience.
Schedule relaxation time or “lazy” days. It’s totally ok to unplug and not get to your to-do list to keep you sane. The laundry can be done tomorrow.
Be realistic with your to-do lists. Do you really need to send holiday cards or is it a year to skip it? Whatever you choose, it’s fine!
Schedule fun activities. Go see lights around the neighborhood, make the best hot cocoas, play games, do a holiday movie night, bake cookies, etc.
It’s ok to sprinkle in non-holiday music in your holiday spotify list just to keep it fun and fresh.
Forgive your parents and the church if they made Christmas shitty for you. My parents did their best raising me with what they thought was the right thing to do. I don’t fault them. As for the church, I can now look back and stay neutral on my feelings towards my experience. Ask me a year ago I probably would have given you a totally different answer. That’s a personal sign of growth for me.

So yeah – that’s it. I don’t hate Christmas anymore. I don’t love it as much as other holidays, but I can appreciate and see a bit of magic in it again like I did before I found out Santa wasn’t real. And that’s something worth writing about.

Choosing between family and a career

Today I made a choice. I chose my family over my career. And I feel sad about it even though I know I made the right choice.

Let me backtrack a bit.

The last three months have been crazy. My husband and I adopted a baby in May 2020. Truly the best thing that’s happened to us all year. All the cliche stuff new parents say about experiencing love and joy with their kids are true. We are so in love with our baby boy.

When it all happened, I immediately went on maternity leave with the intention of coming back to work. Days turned to weeks, and weeks into months until time was nearly over. I mulled over my options and played with so many scenarios in my head: What would going back to work with an infant look like in the middle of a pandemic? What were the costs? How could I possibly leave my son in the hands of another person who I could not guarantee their level of health and safety measures exercised? Is it worth missing out on precious moments of my baby’s life? With everything going on, I couldn’t fathom the idea of putting anyone’s life at risk for money. For me, it just wasn’t worth spending extra on childcare and missing out on significant milestones at this age.

But I’m not gonna lie. I’m sad. Sad to leave a career I’ve been dedicated to since 2006. Sad that my now former employer was not willing to work with me to find a plausible solution for me to stay even though they claimed to appreciate everything I’ve done for them. They gave me only two choices for returning from maternity leave: Come back full time and take over someone else’s job or walk away. I get it – things are tough. Belts have to be tightened and sacrifices must be made. I offered alternative part-time solutions that my family and I were willing to accomodate for. My offers was rejected. As a result, I didn’t want to be the scumbag employee who took someone else’s job in the middle of a pandemic so I chose to walk away.

Perhaps many career-minded women in my shoes could relate to the roller coaster of emotions when making important decisions. Guilty for feeling sad about putting career aspirations on hold even if it’s good for the family and numb because you want to suppress the guilt.

Maybe you’ve read a few of my posts in the past and sense that I have a hard time letting go. Yep, I will admit to it! Letting go of something I loved that made a big impact in my life is very hard. This job gave me a lot of financial security. I was able to pay off my car, my school loans, and outstanding debts. I was able to build up sizeable savings to pay for a house and go on nice vacations around the world and visit friends in different states. Through this job, I was able to buy anything I wanted without worry and still meet my personal financial goals. Most of all, I was in a position where I could do many things that showcased my versatile abilities and skills. Those opportunities were given to me because someone believed I could do it and had great support along the way. From writing, to marketing, to training, to working with customers, to growth and sales, I did it all. Give me something and I’ll make it happen somehow some way and it’s always on time. And for that, I am grateful to have had the job opportunity and the career I cherished so deeply.

On the other hand, the level of stress and worry dealing with unhappy executives and clients, and dealing with jealousy in the workplace is something I won’t miss. The environment was toxic (most work environments are in their own way), but being removed from the office and working from home for many years allowed me not to be exposed to much of it. I was lucky and thankful for being in the position I was in and knew it may be hard to replicate the same of level of trust in other organizations. The downside of it all was watching other coworkers get the chop when their time working at the company was up. It was only a matter of time when I was on the chopping block. Everyone knew there’s always a clock ticking and to never feel comfortable. Survival and a term I’m coining,“surthrival,” came from being versatile, agile, and quick learners who can produce high-quality work. You had to be a survivor and thrive to have the privilege to work there more than a few years. It was the only way to continue to stay relevant and valuable to the organization. And if you are not thriving or they don’t see your value, it’s over. Past accomplishments didn’t matter. Stress was normal and I worked late many nights talking to colleagues on multiple continents even though I should have been sleeping. In hindsight, I realize now that I clung on and tried to “surthrive” for way longer than I should have. My mental and physical health suffered and I lost my sense of self. My marriage suffered. I went to therapy to talk about work after my shift and embarked on a three-year intensive meditation practice to heal. Even through all of this, the universe still needed to kick my ass to make big changes.

Although I’m not happy with how the end of this chapter of my life turned out, I know it’s time to turn the page. My sadness during the day gave me an opportunity to talk to my best friend who went through a similar situation last year, and an old coworker who knew the organization well and understood the strange situation I was put in that made me walk away. I also got a chance to spend time with my sister-in-law who also walked away from a promising teaching career to travel around South America and become a mom. All three women are also moms to amazing kids and showered me with lots of love in between my tears and worries for the future.

In the evening, I closed my eyes and did an imagery exercise called the “Yes/No Rose”

The left rose is “Yes”, the right rose is “No”

This is a very simple exercise you can try out. After closing my eyes, I imagined two of the same colored roses in front of me and labeled one “Yes” and the other “No.” Then I asked myself, “Did I make the right choice today?” My ‘yes’ rose buzzed and grew larger and more vibrant while the ‘no’ rose shrank in the distance.

Then I asked, “Will I ever feel financial security like I have experienced before?” The ‘yes’ rose continued to buzz but shrank a little. Clouds of doubt prevented it from glowing as big and bright as before. Then I heard the words, “What you know as financial security will transform over time. Trust yourself. You know what you are doing.” The ‘no’ rose continued to stay shrunk in the distance.

Upon opening my eyes, a sense of peace settled into my heart and I let it flow to every part of my body.

Next, I posted a question in a workings moms group in my area about my current situation. A kind soul responded with these words:

“I’m very sorry that your company wasn’t willing to work with you on this. I’d like to think that this is going to work out better for you regardless of the unemployment situation. You made a decision based on what you and your family needs. Be open to new possibilities as you may end up with the situation that you always wanted but just didn’t know it. That’s my hope for you anyway. Best of luck!”

In my heart, I know this is what I want to manifest in this next chapter. With everything that’s going on in 2020, do we know what will happen next? Nope, we don’t! But maybe it will be better than we imagined down the road. I’m clinging on the positives for the sake of my sanity and my family and our right to make it through this year along with many more years to come. In this new chapter of life, I’m going to title it “Open opportunities.”

Reprioritizing my love

Photo by Andreas Wohlfahrt on Pexels.com

If there’s one thing I am thankful for in 2020, it’s a real honest look at what I used to prioritize and value in my life and what no longer speaks to my heart anymore.

Things that I used to care or thought I loved no longer holds any importance in my heart. I got lost in a rabbit hole of thoughts that made me question why I loved these things and why I valued these activities for so long. Why did I accept the roles I did in life, and why did I always sell myself short when deep inside of me I feel like a completely different person who wanted to bust out.

And the truth was that I was unwilling to do the extra deep shadow work buried inside. Life was kept busy ignoring these feelings inside that have spilled out in full force. With all this extra time and nowhere to go, there was no easy distraction that made me lose sight of the work that needed to be done.

Real honest questions are being answered for the first time in so long and I can finally hear my inner voice give me answers and tell me things that I have long ignored or pretend I didn’t hear. Eventually all that shit came up like a clogged toilet.

Moments of guilt and shame are starting to pass and everyday I’m starting to see more clearly. Ready to step into more of the unknown to prioritize the love in my heart for the most important people in my life and for the most important exercises of self expression that will fill my soul.

Are you working on your shadow? How are you addressing it and making it peace with it? I would love to hear from you what messages your inner spirit is telling you.

2020 am I right?

2020 is only half way done and it feels like three years of massive world events have been crammed into six months.

For those who are having a tough time making sense of everything that is happening this year (and I include myself in this lot), I just want to say a few things.

Hang in there!

Be present! Even when things feel like it sucks.

Love yourself!

Let go of your growing fears, past guilt, and anxiety of the future for it is nothing we can do but take care of ourselves right now in the present.

Find ways to discover the silver lining to these difficult conversations we are having within us and with our friends and families.

Be honest with yourself: If the rat race is turning meaningless and you want to become essential to your community, now is the time to act.

If you’ve put your dreams and aspirations aside to pay the bills, now is the time to dust those off and see what creatively manifests from all of your senses.

That book you’ve wanted to write? Now is the perfect time to write it. That podcast you wanted to start? Now is the time to start recording.

Want to learn more on ways to help your community during these times? Even during various phases of lockdown, there are plenty of opportunities to volunteer and donate to help those in need.

If you need a day where you just want to lay in bed and rest, then let your loved ones know and do it. Turn off the news, shut down all notifications and make a point to show self-love by taking care of your mental and physical health.

Exercise, stretch, cook a nutritious meal, or take a small day trip (if things are open) to a special place in nature. Most of all, show kindness to yourself. All of these events are forcing us to face our shadow selves and make peace.

Easier said than done, but everyone is facing a form of shadow work in 2020. Even if until up to this point, you’ve only watched YouTube videos and cried into tubs of ice cream (which I’ve done more times that I’m willing to admit), take a moment to write out five things you are thankful for and feel it wash through your body with gratitude. Thank it and send it out into the universe. Seems like a small thing but I promise you, you are helping to raise the vibration of the earth and it’s helping.

It’s only July 2020 as I write this, but we have more living to do. More loving to give and receive. And more peace and prosperity to share within ourselves and to the world.

Feeling numb? It might a growth period

Wading through a distortion of personal growth and transformation

It’s the end of January 2020 and so far I feel like I’ve really failed myself. I have all the goals and aspirations floating within me, but the ability to actually put it into everyday practice gave way to old habits and familiar but detrimental patterns of thinking.

There’s a lot on my mind. A pending adoption, worries about my general health, feeling unhappy with my life trajectory despite working so hard to get where I am today. Not sleeping at night or making healthy food choices while wasting away on the internet doesn’t help either. Time has past and I’ve done nothing about it. Instead, I’ve used most of my time laying in bed. Thinking. Holding my dog. And just wondering how can I get out of this funk that’s been consuming me from the inside. As a person who’s spent extra time and money to work on my spiritual and mental well being for the past two years, I found it odd that I feel just as bad as I began. But at the same time I know I’m better than I was before.

What gives?

It’s because we’re onions. We’re complicated with many layers to go through and address. I used to think it was really weird when my former therapist would ask me things about my childhood and I would literally ask him, “What does my childhood have to do with the situation I am in right now? I need answers for today.” What I didn’t know back then and now realize is that a lot of my perceptions of reality were shaped from my early childhood experiences. As I grew older, I coped with these triggering experiences by making choices that created a personal layer of protection for myself. These layers protected me well enough to allow me to live in a state of ignorant bliss. In this ignorance, I portrayed myself as being a perpetually happy and confident person. Only few people have seen or heard this very different voice that narrates within me. It’s intense. It’s raw. It’s carries an uneasy energy. And I have locked it up for years because I’ve hated this part of me so much. I thought for sure that if I didn’t acknowledge it or covered it up with “everything is awesome” thoughts, it would die off.

Cutting into the many layers of the self

Well, I was wrong about that. The deeper I went, the more intense this inner self feels. Deep layers are uncomfortable, heavy, frustrating and annoying. And just like real onions, I’ve cried through it as I work through each of these layers. Releasing all this pent up energy and layers of guilt and shame has only made this part of me stronger. As my meditation teacher says, the work is never done. There’s always more to do. And part of me wonders if I should keep going or not. Growth periods feels like standing at a crossroads. Do I stay or do I go? Is this enough or should I keep doing more? Have I grown enough this lifetime or am I not done? On one hand, I’m incredibly happy and proud to know so much and have great tools to handle many situations. On the other hand, I’m grieving the loss of that ignorance and bliss. Weird, right? But that’s how I feel. However, I must keep going and make room for more self-kindness.

So what can someone do when facing these growth periods? Normally I’d share a list of ideas, but I think it really depends on the person and their journey. For me, the deeper I go, the harder it feels to mobilize a to-do list for spiritual or personal growth. The idea of doing something doesn’t feel right at the moment. Instead, I’m going to stew it. I have to get comfortable with the feeling of being uncomfortable. Figure out why I have to feel these things now and how can I balance it without covering it up in layers of self-ignorance again. Essentially, I have to work on draining the energy of hate from this side of myself by getting to a state of neutrality. But in order for me to do it, I need to stew and feel all the feels in order to move this growth period out of my space. Then and only then can I feel a difference and be ready for yet another layer.

Tonight I just finished watching the show finale of ‘The Good Place’ and it just made so much sense for me and my own journey. Without giving it all away, it just made realize that these layers of challenges are their own blessings and give us meaning to exist. We’re blessed to have the time to better ourselves each day. Some days, weeks, months, or years may be less productive than others, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t making strides towards growth. You are at a crossroads to choose to transform to find a way to be happy with where you are at. The next layer is not far behind to take you to your next period of growth. That’s beautiful, therefore in an amusing way, onions can be beautiful, too.

Dealing with judgement from others

And how to be more aware of your own judgement patterns

According to an article in Psychology Today, judging others is a form of ranking things around us that asserts our superiority. It typically takes the form of putting others down. It’s what people who think they’re “somebodies” do to people they take for nobodies.

Rankism is the source of most man-made suffering

Judging others feeds our ego and allows us to look at ourselves in the mirror with a less harsh filter. “At least I’m not as effed up as that person” or ,”I’m doing something right for me, therefore, they must be doing something wrong…”

Unfortunately, this form of self-assurance is short-lived. Judgement becomes the quickest way to feed the unhealthy ego. The cycle continues until we are honest about why we feed the unhealthy ego. It hides in the last place we dare to look – within ourselves. When we believe we are the ego, we’ll do many things to keep it alive. The act of stopping judgement kills the unhealthy ego in ourselves. We then become free from the hungry monster.

This is an interesting topic for me right now because I am opening myself up to the idea that my judgement and rankism didn’t just hurt others around me – it unknowingly hurts me every time I deflect my personal triggers. In addition, I am opening myself up to the idea that people who judge me aren’t really looking at me – they are judging themselves for what they are don’t know, or are unhappy with their own reflection and quick to spotlight others. Therefore, I cannot let their words bother me.

So why do we judge?

We don’t know a person well (yet) – This is usually innocent to help with getting a feel of our surroundings and the people around us and how we want to interact in this environment. It’s our way to simplify what we are interacting with in the moment. However, it doesn’t give us the full picture and we tend to miss opportunities to open ourselves up for new experiences.
We cannot identify with a person’s belief system, values, or behavior – Negatively, we cannot put ourselves in their shoes to understand why they choose to live the life they picked for themselves.
That person somehow threatens how we perceive ourselves – A person may or may not realize they are putting a mirror up for us to see ourselves in a way we refuse to acknowledge. It has the potential to reopen wounds we’ve been trying to heal for many years, and we are quick to judge in order to discredit them and protect our emotions.

I realized something important – In order for me to stop feeling hurt when being judged or negatively put down, I have to stop my own patterns of judgement and rankism that I’ve used to justify my own behavioral patterns.

Me on the left and my sister on the right happy in Hawaii

I’m an older sister. As the older sibling, put myself in the role of being the third parent to my younger sister, Christine. I see so much potential and ability that is beyond what I can do and I’ve tried to push her to get her out her rut and take that next step. A lot of my advice never worked and often times we end up arguing and getting upset with each other.

After Anthony Bourdain committed suicide, my sister posted on social media about the effects of depression. She never felt she lived up to the expectations people who cared saw in her and how it tortured her all throughout her life. She wrote in heartbreaking detail of the many ways she had planned on ending her life. I was stunned. I was part of her pain and part of the problem. Another time, my brother-in-law called me out point blank in front of everyone and said, “Why are you so mean to your sister?” Again, that stunned me. I honestly had no idea I was that mean. I thought I was helping, but my judgement, although wrapped up in a bow of love and concern, was only hurting her and hurting myself in the process.

At the time, I felt like since we had the same upbringing we could relate better. I was able to do this, why couldn’t she? I was able to figure this out, why can’t she? I judged her life choices and judged how she reacted to the world around her. It wasn’t the way I would do things and it bothered me why she couldn’t do the same or better than me. It turns out I didn’t spend enough time to get to know my baby sister as an adult. She is her own person and nothing like the kid I knew growing up. Unknowingly, I had simplified my role as the big sister for my own personal convenience and satisfaction. I used judgement to navigate my relationship with her. What I didn’t do was show more love and support when she needed it the most.

Thankfully, my sister and I have a better relationship. I was able to talk with her about her post and apologize and she’s forgiven me. She’s been getting help with her depression and is continually searching for better ways to be her best self although she does tell me that some days and even weeks are harder than others. I find myself doing all I can to be more empathic to her situation and to be a better listener rather than judging. As siblings it’s hard not to escalate it to the 100th decibel but it’s a work in progress that’s getting better.

How I am working on getting over judgements of me

Removing ‘victim energy’ from my body and space through meditation. The ‘woah is me’ dramatic energy is soul sucking and yet oddly comforting for me. It has takin me many years to finally understand that feeling bad for myself is ok for a little bit, but I can’t go back and sit in a tub of tears and expect to make progress in my life. This realization also helped me to recognize triggers within myself that need healing. Meditation and being present with my thoughts have allowed me to visualize the releasing of victim energy in my space. It has renewed my spirit and allows me to think of the day as refreshed with new opportunities to still make it good. One bad interaction should not have the power to ruin the entire day.
Realizing it’s not about me, it’s about them – If someone makes a comment about my weight or my work, I know it’s not about me. It’s about how they perceive themselves when they see me. Maybe they are unhappy with their own weight or are overly concerned about their own work that’s been keeping them up all night. I don’t know what’s going on, but I tell myself, “It’s not my problem, It’s not my problem, It’s not my problem.” Judgement is not the same as constructive criticism so do keep that in mind. However, we do need to see what kind of expectations to they set for themselves that make them see the world in their own filtered perspective. Some of it can be used to motivate ourselves if we allow it, but if you are not interested in dealing with it, you can acknowledge that it’s about them and not about yourself. The second part to this is me trying to come up with some smart quips to turn the mirror back on them, but I’m still working on that.
If people judge my lifestyle or are openly unsupportive, then I switch my space – mindfully and physically. There are certain points where we have to let people go or not allow certain people to take up space in our minds. I often find myself just spending less time talking with them and focus on protecting my personal space. Changing the subject works or just walking away helps. If it’s family, it’s harder to avoid so I tend to try to keep conversation on them or switch the subject to them instead and then go home and meditate to let go of any triggers that may have light up in my body during that time.

These are a few things I’m working on at the moment. It’s still a work in progress and it’s slow but getting better. If you have any suggestions or ways you have been working on limiting judgement in ourselves and others, please share your thoughts. I would love to hear from you.